Losing Isn't Failing

There's a stigma that not-winning is the same as failure. It isn't. Failure is something else entirely.

Failure happens when you give up, blame someone else for your own shortcomings, give in to the feeling of defeat, or refuse to learn from the situation.

Winning is partly out of your hands. Learning and failing are always your choice.

Winning a competition is only partially up to you. You can train fiercely and prepare meticulously — but you can't control the other competitor's performance. Passing an exam is much closer to entirely on you, as long as the examiner has set clear expectations. Either way, in competition or in an exam, all you can do is prepare to the best of your ability. Don't let that phrase fool you, though: "the best of your ability" still requires hard work and specific goals to define what best actually looks like.

If you don't win a competition or don't pass an exam, there's still room to learn. And if you do win or do pass, there's still room to learn. What can you do better next time? Where did you perform well? Where did you fall short? Did you ask for feedback from your coach, teacher, or examiner? What did you do with that feedback? Every situation is an opportunity for growth — but only if you treat it like one.

You can't let the feeling of defeat decide what comes next. You have to actively reconstruct your thoughts — from defeat to curiosity, from disappointment to excitement for what's next. In the moment of a loss, that's not easy. Learning to control and redirect your own thinking takes practice. But one of the worst things you can do is sit in defeat, self-pity, or self-doubt. If you catch yourself there, snap out of it. Choose to dwell on growth instead.

Philosophers and modern psychologists alike will tell you that life is perception. The way you construct your image of yourself and the way you interpret events will become your life. You are in control of your story through the choices you make and the thoughts you allow to take up space.

As Viktor Frankl — psychologist and Holocaust survivor — wrote in Man's Search for Meaning:

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

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If you want to know more about Frankl, I recommend starting at The Pursuit of Happiness.